dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
