watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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