My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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