I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
