I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
