the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
