He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
