you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
