so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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