I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
