Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It's shark week go big or go home
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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