The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
