You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
