I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
