dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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