Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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