K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
