just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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