She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
