In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
