Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
