And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
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