i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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