I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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