I wish my penis had an off switch
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
