I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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