12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
