I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
