I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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