I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Green mimosas i think yes
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
