Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
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