omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
