I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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