She's JV to your varsity
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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