Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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