walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
