Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
