We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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