sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
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