pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
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