why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
