my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
