She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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