I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
