My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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