I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
