In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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