you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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