I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
