remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
