My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Randomize
