What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
